Wednesday, 2 May 2018
Dear Diary ... My anxiety is back with a vengance.
I can't begin to explain when it happened and after feeling like I was doing so well for so long I suddenly feel lost again. I suppose if you follow my Instagram you will know that a big turning point for me was turning off my social media completely a few weeks ago. I thought it would help, and momentarily it did, but now I'm back and I'm still not 100% sure what I'm doing.
I think the pressure to keep up with everything has been too much. Starting my nursing degree in March has potentially been the best and worst decision I have ever made. Part of me is over the moon excited by the prospect of becoming a qualified nurse and being in a position to help people like I have wanted to do my entire life. The other part of me is petrified that I cant do this. I had to submit an assignment 2 weeks ago and the fear of failing it (even though its a kind of test and doesn't count towards my degree) almost led me to not start it. When I wrote it I was happy but now waiting for the feedback all the fears and self doubts come creeping back in.
I'm sure they call it imposter syndrome. Its that feeling that any day now someone else is going to realise that I actually cant do this. I have been getting the urge to jump and go back to being a health care assistant which is where I felt really in my comfort zone, but then in this little glimpses of clarity I know deep down I wasn't challenged enough in m role and I just need to pull my big girl pants up and get on with it.
Theres a lot more Im not telling you here, but for now this is what I am comfortable with. I had missed blogging and I genuinely want to use this space to document what I am doing and how I am managing my health, because I feel like I am totally on the bottom with it. The good part about that though is im hoping to kick off from the bottom and hopefully take a big gulp of air pretty soon.
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